Principles and practices for strengthening marriage through the holiday season
Paul James Birch, Ph.D., L.M.F.T.
Well Marriage Center, Fairfax, VA
In the first of this three-article series, I share ideas for making the holidays a heart-warming family experience
Watch for the second article in this series in January, in which I will tell how to see working on marriage as a fun and challenging need, and how to engage in that work on your own with tools!
Regardless of your religious affiliation (or none) or activity level, I hope the holiday season can be a happy one for you and your loved ones.
What do you think of when you see the first signs of the holiday season upon us; lights, snow, turkeys, mangers, menorahs, candles, crescent moons (when Ramadan falls at this time), unity cups, pageants?
Personally? I immediately start “…dreaming of a white Christmas”, contemplating God’s gifts to humankind, and seeking time with my family. I truly love Christmas and the Holiday Season, including the good will I strive to show to everyone, regardless of their faith tradition, or lack of one.
How about you? Think about the images and feelings that the season stirs. What do you think of? Peace, joy, love, family, food, memories? Many of us also think of words like stress, anxiety, and money. Perhaps some even think of words like loneliness, despair, and conflict.
One thing is certain…this season seems to have power in our lives. What are some guiding principles and practices that can help you and your family make the best of this “most wonderful time of the year”.
Principle #1: Determine the purpose.
This holiday definitely means different things to different people. However, I hope can find a central point we can all agree on.
Perhaps the purpose of the Holiday Season could be to soften our hearts towards one another in kindness and love, especially towards children, the elderly, and other vulnerable people.
I hope we could become just a little more concerned about each other. I hope that we are just a little more kind to everyone we meet and spend time with. I hope we can agree that this is a time to come together and be just a little kinder towards one another.
Principle #2: The best medium for communicating kindness is TIME
If we agree on kindness as the goal, then what is the best method for showing kindness?
I would submit that it is TIME. Time to be with our spouse. Time to be with our children. Time to visit friends and neighbors. And how about the elderly? The sick and afflicted? There are many people within our reach who would benefit greatly from some time together.
Principle #3: Kind words and charitable acts occur more easily when we make TIME for them
Think about how different our world would be if we all just slowed down a little bit and spoke more kindly to each other. Think about what would happen if we performed small acts of great love towards one another.
I am reminded of a story I have heard of the farmer who lost several of his children and his wife to a plague just at harvest time. He returned to his field downhearted and overwhelmed with the task of harvesting all by himself. He arrived at his field to find his entire crop harvested. The wagonloads of crops that had been passing him on the road were his; his neighbors had pitched in to do it for him.
My life has been blessed by the service of others as well. One night I needed to drive nearly 2 hours to Salt Lake City in possibly bad weather. So that my little family would not be inconvenienced to travel with me or be without a car in my absence (we had only one car at the time), I asked a group of friends if anyone was headed that way. One gentleman approached me and told me he would give me a ride. I later found that he had no reason to go to Salt Lake. He was just offering a ride to a man he hardly knew. He drove an hour and forty-five minutes, dropped me off, and immediately turned around and went home. I am not sure why he did this but it touched me deeply. It helped my family. It softened my heart.
These kinds of meaningful acts will take TIME. Children especially need us to slow down and give them good time in which we are focused directly on them. Whether an organized project or large task, a simple act of help to someone, or a genuine smile to the counter clerk at a store…take the time to slow down and shine.
Principle #4: Santa and presents are nice. BUT…
I think it is important to remember that Santa and presents can be a good thing. However, I suggest that when they serve as a tool to facilitate kindness, they are good. When they become an end in and of themselves, they are not.
What are some clear and actionable practices we can engage in to install these principles?
Practice #1: Keep the goal in mind…always:
In everything you do, remember my proposed goal: Emerge from the season a better person. A kinder spouse. A gentler parent. A friendlier neighbor. Make decisions about how to spend your time and money under the influence of this guiding principle.
Practice #2: Make TIME to realize that goal:
If we are going to achieve this goal, it WILL require time. Lot’s of it. How can we make more of that kind of time?
o Include our children. Most children love to be involved. To the extent possible, let them help you make decorations, treats, etc. They will be thrilled. Also plan a lot of time just being with children. Read, sing, play, build a snowman.
o Don’t work more hours to make more money to buy more things for more people that will make you and them more likely to fail to achieve the goal!
o Budget your money: Decide on a reasonable amount of money to spend and stick to it!
o Get your shopping done early enough to ensure time for these things.
o Keep it simple! Plan simple activities. Let all of our dealings be simple and preserve time.
Practice #3: Now that you have the TIME, what can you do with it?
o Perform meaningful service. Volunteer at a homeless shelter or food pantry. Give blood. Visit rest homes and sing carols. Get out and do something for someone less fortunate than yourself.
o Be less in a hurry so you can spend that extra moment actually listening to someone’s answer when you ask “How ya doin?”. Read a little longer to your child at bedtime. Linger a little longer on your lovely spouse’s luscious lips before you run to the office (you gotta Love aLLiteration!).
o Participate in community events; pageants, service projects, concerts, parties.
o Engage in private worship services. Read scriptures or other sacred works together as a family. Sing together. Pray. Spend time reveling in the gifts that God has given you and your family or that this universe affords us. For religious people, contemplate the gifts God has given you through your faith traditions and the teachings and offerings God has made.
o Offer your professional services at a reduced rate to anyone in need. I express that if anyone is in need of marital intervention at this time of year, and truly cannot afford my fee, please contact me and I will do whatever I can to help you.
o Watch a few appropriate Christmas movies. It’s a Wonderful Life, White Christmas, Miracle on 34th Street is always effective at warming my heart.
o Sing and play music. Buy a tin whistle and play it!
Practice #4: Avoid these pitfalls:
o Don’t spoil your children: Sometimes we talk and talk about the “true” meaning of Christmas. Then we shower our children with unnecessary hoards of new toys, go through a lot of stress together, and are less kind than we are in June. Turn this trend around by keeping gifts simple and fewer. Involve them more in choosing gifts for others. Have family time making cookies or crafts for grandparents and neighbors.
o Don’t fight with your spouse! Don’t contribute to unhappy Christmas memories for your child. If things are really bad, get some help. Visit a trusted family member together. Go to your ecclesiastical leader. Call a therapist. Don’t hide the conflict behind a flurry of parties and gifts.
o Don’t abuse drugs or alcohol! If you have a drug or alcohol problem, it can flare up at this time of year. Once again, get some help. Now. And even if you don’t have a “problem”, if drinking even a few drinks contributes to irritability, distance, illness, bickering, then I would argue you do have, a “problem”.
o If you are an employer consider making a sacrifice and trusting that you are paying it forward by closing your doors on December 23rd at midnight and don’t open again until December 27th (or some other appropriate time off as much as possible; I understand this isn't always feasible). If you weren’t open, we’d find a way to get it done earlier.
We need to let the principles outlined here guide this season. If we do, we will emerge from the season each year as kinder, gentler, friendlier people. I hope we will all remember kindness towards one another. I pray we will take more time together. I would especially hope that our children would notice this difference. I express my brotherly love to each of you and my personal and professional dedication to using my expertise to help you. I express my belief that there is a God who loves us and is available to help us with our lives if we seek for that help humbly. May you each have Happy Holidays and a Merry Christmas.
- Paul James Birch, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. He practices out of the Well Marriage Center at Fairfax, VA. www.paulbirch.info. www.wellmarriagecener.com.